hide and seek

Having children, taking care of children, is hard.  And tiring.  I think everyone knows that and accepts it on different levels depending how much sleep or free time has been had so often we just skip to the other side of it all: how amazing and fun and intoxicating it can all be.  But for posterity's sake I want to write a bit on the parts that sometimes get forgotten as the years go by and time rounds out any sharp edges.

Zachary was a hard baby.  He cried a lot.  And every time he cried I felt like it was an indication that I was doing something wrong.  Now I know on both an intellectual and felt level that it wasn't the case, but as a first time mom...well, I was just beginning to figure it all out.  At one point, probably after a long day and night and probably another day and night of trying to continually soothe him I called my Mom close to tears and asked

This is really really hard.  Was it this hard for you?

And my Mom replied

Ummm sure, maybe.

Which wasn't the most reassuring to a postpartum sleep deprived first timer.  And I know my Mom wasn't trying to be unsympathetic, thirty plus years smoothed out the hard and what was left was the memory of a sweet new baby.  So here is an outtake of our family life.  Because one day someone will want to remember.


Hide and Seek
Lately Zachary loves to play hide and seek.  Except he is missing some of the key elements.

Mommy, I want to hide and you find me!!

Ok, where are you going to hide?

In the closet! Come find me!

Every time that kid tells me.  Which is really a plus for me because I am usually tired and don't want to get up, and so I sit on the couch or chair and verbally look for him in a couple of places and then ask:

Wait, are you in the closet???

Yes!!! You found me!


Clint and I also have our own version of this game.  We usually end up playing it on the weekends.  Weekends can be challenging.  Before children weekends meant a stretch of time to rest, recuperate and recreate.  And not that those things never happen anymore, but lets just say that on weekends we often both look up to the heavens and plead Where is a grandma??!!!
And the answer to that question is California, the state that we both willingly moved away from seven years ago, before our children were on the scene.
Anyways, our version of hide and seek is played in a couple of different ways.  Sometimes we are on the same team.  We see a moment of opportunity; maybe the kids are playing nicely with some toys or having a snack or show, and we quickly and quietly remove ourselves from the situation and crawl into bed.  Then:

How long before you think they find us?

Last weekend I guessed three minutes which was a huge err of optimism.  Clint gave us a minute, which was more accurate.  This version of the game always ends with the four of us in bed, which is fun and cozy until Zachary steps or jumps on a head, groin or baby in utero and Baby Kate finds one of our phones and starts pushing buttons and discovering screens and settings that we didn't know existed.

The other version of this game is the every-man-for-himself.  Clint is really the one that excels at this, maybe it has to do with his maleness or upbringing in a large family, however over the years I have been taking notes and can sometimes pull off the looking after number one with surprisingly skill and presicion.

One memorable go at this game was Christmas 2013.  Zachary had just turned three, Kate had just turned one, and I was four months pregnant.  We were both tired and both looking for a break.  I hunted down Clint room by room, Zachary and I yelling his name at the top of our lungs (it really wasn't his turn at a break) and found him wedged half-way under a bed with a pillow awkwardly placed under his head and a frilly bed-skirt sort-of covering his body.  It was so ridiculous and so desperate that all we could do was laugh----and then negotiate who really deserved the nap.

last baby

We are saying that this is our last baby.  During the first trimester, when I was so sick, and still nursing Kate, and trying to keep up with everything that was swirling around me, this little fact was at times felt like my one silver lining. 
When I watched my belly get full and round, and the rest of me get full and round as well...When I stored away the pants and skirts that bear the mark of my real size, (the ones that I had just started to be able to wear after baby #2), I told myself that after this baby my body would be mine again---no more transitional clothes and elastic waistbands.  This made me feel good, like I would soon reclaim something that had been lost for what has felt like a long time.

I have asked my husband We are stopping at three, right??  You feel good about three, right?? so many times that I can literally see his brain reverting to auto-pilot-robot mode when he gives me his answer, which is always some variation of Yes.  When he has the energy to to elaborate on his reply, it is usually an amused laugh and then after I ask him why are you laughing!??  His reply is a I just think this is funny, because I mean haven't we already decided this like a million times?!!! 

Which we have.  But here is the thing: I really don't want to be pregnant again (and three has always felt right for us), but at the same time I always want to be pregnant.  Pregnancy has its downsides, but to be the literal home of a perfect sweet innocent being is more than a miracle.  Having a newborn is exhausting and often emotional, but is also like waking up to Christmas morning over and over.....and over and over and over......

I know I am not meant to be a Dugger-type whipping up tator tot casserole to a crew of twenty, but there is a part of me that never wants this all to end.......
I often look forward to the time when all my children are in school and I can start to have a bit of career, but then I realize that means I won't have a toddling child or a soft squishy baby and it makes me want to freeze time.

Through the pregnancies of my three children, and the birth of two, so much about myself and how I think about things has been transformed.

Instead of viewing labor and birth as an ill-designed painful process, I now see it as an all-powerful initiation rite where a new mother is born right along-side her new baby.
This time around I cannot wait to be chubby and soft, sitting on the couch, nursing and burping and staring at my baby.

Really I can't wait to be a mother all over again.

a california christmas

 This pregnancy has been challenging.  When I haven't been sick (which has felt like most of it) I have just wanted to sleep. Like sleep forever.  But with two young children that usually nap at different times...well its just not happening.
But you know what makes everything better??  Cute maternity photos.  And thanks to my sister and our friend Maria Torres I got some over the holiday.  Now when I look back I will remember the beauty and miracle of this pregnancy, and not just me wanting to it be over already.

                                 Cute pictures of your kids also help. 

  

The weather over Christmas was amazing.  We got to spend time at the beach and Zachary and Roan even went swimming.  My sister bought Roan a wetsuit for Christmas, which turned out to be a good buy; Zachary got to wear my old wetsuit from the 80s.  He didn't seem to mind.

Zachary loves Roan.  He is always saying "my best friend Roan......." or "Roan be there????"  They play like my older sister and I used to play:  Roan is the boss (my sister) and Zachary is happy to go along with all the games and their oh so important rules.

                  

                   

                      Traveling with kids is never fun, but seeing family is.  Cheers to a great 2014!

pregnancy #3

I got pregnant with Kate when Zachary was 15 months old.  Kate is coming up on 15 months and I keep looking at her unable to imagine how I felt that Zachary was old enough to start on another child.  Kate just seems so young.  She is still my baby.  How did I feel so ready to be pregnant again when Zachary was so young?
I find myself thinking that this time feels different and I don't feel quite ready yet.
And then I look down and see my big belly and remember that I am already six months pregnant.

Well so much for that.

oh baby!

Dear Baby,

You are early.  Which is very like your mom, and very unlike your father.  When your baby sister was born, and for the first time I was holding her slimy perfect little body, I looked over to my midwife and your father and said I'll do this one more time.  And I guess you were listening and I should have been a little more specific as to when the one more time would ideally happen.

But I wasn't, and now you are on your way.  And you did try and let me know from the beginning.  There was that morning where I had the most bizarre craving for vitamins.  I devoured Zachary's gummy vitamins like they were the last piece of chocolate that you vowed you would ever eat.  And then there was the irrational thought that when Kate was nine months old that would be the perfect time to get pregnant, and the distinct impressions that I would be once again spending time with my midwife, Rebecca.  There was the weekend road trip when I thought about arriving home and the unpacking, feeding, bathing, and the general care that has to occur when you have small children... I turned to your father and said  

I think I'm pregnant.

What???

Well, when I think about getting home and all the things that need to get done a very distinct wave of hopelessness/tiredness sweeps over me.  And that feels like being pregnant . 

And your Dad didn't really believe me because based on a number of things (things that obviously didn't make a difference to you) I really shouldn't have gotten pregnant.


Baby, I know you care nothing about this letter, and probably by the time you do, this will all be a nostalgic memory for me, and the utter bewilderment of having three children three years old and younger will have faded and make perfect sense in the big picture.  But know that even in the midst of the awfulness of nausea, fatigue and hormones that comprise the first trimester, I am glad you are on your way.  And the morning that I stood over the sink cutting strawberries, too nervous to watch the pregnancy test clock go round and round and round because I already knew the answer and simply needed to prove it to a skeptical husband that thought I was on some sort of weird obsessive I AM pregnant!!! kick..........well know that mixed in with the anxiety and the life recalculations was giddy excitement.  Because new life is a miracle and new life is always exciting.



Room for me?? is a question Zachary asks as I nurse baby Kate in our rocking chair.  I bought this chair before Zachary was born, before I could fathom that one day I might have two (three!?) children to snuggle and be close to.  I bought this chair thinking how its petite frame would fit nicely with our 1950s home with its small rooms and low ceilings.  Slightly misguided purchase aside, there is always room for both Zachary and baby Kate, and there will be room for you as well.

We just might have to buy a bigger chair.

Baby Womack coming April 2014

bedtime drama

We have been struggling the last while to get Zachary to stay in his bed at bedtime.  He initially goes down easy enough, but after a couple of minutes will reappear with some demand for more milk, more books, or a why don't you tell me bout it mommy?
The first round of demands can be kind of endearing, but by round five we are done.
Here is an exchange that happened the other night:

Clint: Zach, if you get out of your bed one more time we are going to have to shut the door.
Zach: Nooo! I no want you to shut my door daddy!
Clint: Then STAY in your bed and go to SLEEP.
Zach: Geeez this is a disaster---why this always happen??!!!!

Zachary, we ask ourselves the same question every night.

california

 A couple of weeks ago I went to California with the kids.  I love going to California for so many reasons.  The mild weather, the beach, my father's sailboat, see old friends....but I mostly love going because being a mom can be tiring and in California I get to be lazy.  Like really lazy.
In California I don't have to cook, clean, organize, pick-up constantly, and if I wait around long enough, I don't even have to do my own laundry.  Don't get me wrong, every once in awhile I do these things so I will continue to be a welcomed guest in my parents home, and to prove to my parents that I have matured past 13, but really my contributions are pretty weak.  It is fabulous.

I also love that I get to go on jogs everyday.  I always come to California with some absurd fitness goal that I never accomplish, but motivates me to at least do something.  My Dad took Zachary on all his errands, plus had endless patience with playing black steam engine, which freed me up to take Baby Kate running for her morning naps.  I love how once you have two children life seems so easy breezy when you are are only caring for one.  While Zachary spent lots of time with other family members, Baby Kate and I spent lots of one on one time together.  It was nice.  We watched some bad TV, went shopping, and took some killer naps.  And I got some great pics of this cutie.

this picture makes me laugh every time. if we ever buy a grown-up house with a fancy serious adult room you will find a framed version of this.

couldn't leave this cutie out of the post......

The second week of my visit my sister came with her boys from New York. It was a blast, and I was going to write about it, but I just read my sister's blog and she did such a great job.......... http://roboboogiephone.blogspot.com/2013/07/june-cali-trip.html

You can take the lazy girl out of California, but she will still be a lazy girl in Utah.