It has been so long since I have taken the time to write in here, yet so much has been happening that I would love to write about. Motherhood (of course), dance and trying to get out of the house with three very young children (challenging), death and the bond of families (sad yet life affirming), and marriage (as in trying to find time and energy to nurture one).
But because I am limited on time; I went downstairs to sleep Sophie, (which was not successful, she is sitting flailing on my lap whilst I write), I will organize this around my children and what they have been up to. Which is more than fitting because that is exactly my life. While most of the time I am happy that this is my life and privilege, I have on occasion sat in front of Clint with tears and whiney exasperation lamenting how I cannot do anything without organizing and negotiating what feels to be a million details. And with these negotiations I seem to always have to push back the feeling that I am slighting someone and their needs. Ahhhh!! Everyone and their needs!!!
Zachary is full of life and enthusiasm. He glides through his days with ease and energy. He loves going to his preschool; to see him tear away from the car and run into his classroom with such confidence makes me smile and feel nostalgic for past days of dependence. I love carving out time to talk to him about his day and his thoughts. He says that 'praying is a lot like sleeping' and when accused with watching more than one show on grandpa's iPad responded 'well you were asleep and grandpa was asleep and I don't care.'
This summer he watched American Injury (Ninja) Warriors and now finds every opportunity to make obstacle courses. His life is one big Parkour! I should probably be more regimented on what he can and cannot climb/jump/hang/repeal off of, but as a dancer I get satisfaction seeing him physically explore his surroundings, and love that his life is one big site specific improvisation.
I took him to his first dance concert (Mudson at the Masonic Temple) a couple of weeks ago and I loved watching him watch dance. Sometimes I question staying involved in dance when my children are so consuming both in terms of time and energy, but it was affirming to watch through his eyes. To watch him watch dancers construct realities with their bodies reminds me of why I am so smitten with the world of movment, and inspires me to keep juggling it all.
Zachary working the fish lips rage and schooling everyone
Baby Kate, who we still call Baby Kate, can now climb out of her crib and pack'n'play. She was sleeping in the laundry room for a time (middle child in a small house), but ever since her climbing exploits has now been sleeping with Zachary in his room. Which is adorable but has had its challenges. Sleeping in general has had its challenges. I never thought Zachary was a particularly good sleeper, but compared to Kate he is. Kate does not stop. When we stayed in a hotel room on our way back from California this summer there was Kate, at 10:30pm, playing and singing and laughing in the pitch dark while the rest of us slept, (well I tried to sleep.) It was hilarious, but not really. In fact, that was the night that I eventually screamed into a pillow, threw the pillow at Clint's head and yelled at him for sleeping through it all. How does he sleep through everything??!!! I know it is Darwinism functioning at its finest and I will die first due to all this sleep deprivation, and you know, that pisses me off even more. Regardless, Baby Kate soldiers on. She is easy-going, adventurous and loves chocolate. She also loves wearing her shoes. She has gone to bed many times refusing to take her shoes off, which really is the least of my concerns when it comes to bed-time.
And now Sophie. The dessert of my children. Sometimes I feel like I can't carve out enough time to truly enjoy this sweet baby, for she was born in the midst of two other young children with their demands and schedules, and parents that are frankly a little burnt out. But when I do get to indulge in her babyness I am in love. I love getting right up to her mouth and smelling her milky breath, and feeling the weight of her increasingly sturdy body. I am now teaching a couple hours a week at the community college, and while I love getting out of the house, I hate coming back and hearing that she cried, which she does pretty much every time. On the way back from dinner the other night Sophie was screaming in her carseat and Clint asked if I thought she was our fussiest baby. I started to launch into all the ins and outs of her and her schedule and the family dynamics, and then stopped and said Honestly who cares, lets just survive and get through this. And so we are. We are getting through this messy beautiful exhausting time. And sometimes we love it, and sometimes I cry and throw a pillow at Clint's big head. Se la vie.